Karaoke: A Guide to Not Sucking

Karaoke fucking rules, and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise. Unless they’re larger than me, in which case I’ll have to call up the members of my family who might be in the mob (I have one uncle for whom I’m almost positive this is the case, which is what happens when you’re an Italian kid in the Northeast). Where else can non-professionals belt out kickass songs in public and not have everyone else tell you to shut up, or throw things at you? Church, maybe, but at karaoke, you also get to drink.

That said, many people make some rookie mistakes when going out to their local karaoke place. I’m no expert on the matter –I’m just an exceptionally good-looking and charming young man with a great head of hair and a voice like a manly archangel—but I’ve gone to enough karaoke nights  that I’ve come up with a few basic rules of karaoke. Follow these simple guidelines, and at bare minimum, very few people will hate you once you relinquish the microphone.

1. DO NOT SING THE FOLLOWING SONGS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

“Don’t Stop Believing”, by Journey:  You are not Steve Perry. You are not the first one ever to sing this song at karaoke. You’re not even the first one to have the idea to sing it tonight.  It’s really hard, long enough that everyone gets bored waiting for you to finish, and the DJ is probably sick of playing it. Be the bigger man and go with “Oh Sherrie” if you really want to rock out to some Journey.

“Baby Got Back”, by Sir Mix-a-Lot: I know you think it’s cute. If you’re a girl, singing this song is a sign that you’re fun-loving and approachable. Guys sing it because it makes them look goofy and accepting of women with a generous share of natural curvature. It’s instantly recognizable and engenders a lot of goodwill. You won’t even make it to “itty-bitty waist” without fucking it up. Sir Mix-a-Lot wasn’t a hack! He raps at a pretty fast pace in this song, and you are guaranteed not to be prepared for it. Rapping in general is hard, and if you don’t respect it, everyone will just be counting the seconds until you’re done.

“Brick”, by Ben Folds Five: This song is about abortion. Don’t sing songs about abortion at karaoke.

Any song with lengthy instrumental parts: “Knights of Cydonia”, by Muse, is a perfect example. Awesome song with a great beat, but the first minute and a half is instrumental, which means you’ll be stuck up there trying to find ways to fill that minute and a half before you even open your mouth. Unless you are a fucking champion at air guitar, this means that no one will be paying attention to you, and then how are you going to ever attract the requisite amount of attention from the opposite sex? Oh, don’t act like that’s not why you’re up there. That’s why we’re all up there.

 Any showtune: Just don’t. I understand that “Sixteen, Going On Seventeen” from The Sound of Music has a great deal of significance to you, but to the rest of us, it’s a song we can’t dance to or sing along with. If you absolutely must sing a song from a musical, go with “America, Fuck Yeah” from Team America: World Police. The call-and response section there is just gorgeous.

“Somebody to Love”, by Queen: This song is great if you can pull it off, but you can’t. You need to ask Freddie Mercury’s permission to sing this song, and he’s dead, so you’re shit out of luck. Also, this is my song, and I will glare at you in a disapproving manner if you sing it before I do.

2. DON’T TALK SO DAMNED MUCH BEFORE YOU SING

Stand-up comedy is hard. The best stand-ups (your Patton Oswalts, Louis C.K.’s, Richard Pryorii) basically practice non-stop in order to develop things like timing and delivery, and they’re constantly refining and revising their material.

You haven’t done any of these things. Therefore, if you make a joke about the song you’re about to sing, or the song the previous guy sang, or you launch into a monologue about how much you like the song, it will definitely suck.

3. DON’T ASK ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE TO GET UP AND DANCE UNLESS SUCH A LINE IS SPECIFICALLY IN THE SONG.

Remember the part from The Usual Suspects, where Kevin Spacey says that you can’t shoot the Devil in the head, because what if you miss? This is a similar situation, because if you ask the ladies in the house to get up and dance, or get up on stage, or what have you, and they don’t, then you look like the biggest douche in the universe. It’s also a similar situation because everyone who does this is secretly Keyser Soze. I’m not sorry if I ruined the movie for you. It’s like 15 years old. Goose dies in Top Gun. Bruce Willis is actually a ghost in The Sixth Sense. You had your chance to watch, and I’m not going to be held captive to your cultural ignorance.

4.  FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THE LYRICS

I cannot stress this enough. You don’t have to be Mariah Carey up there, but you have to at least know the rhythm. The words are right up there for you, and there’s a little bouncing ball or scrolling highlighter so you know when to say them. If we have to hear you sing “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, then you can’t just do this:

“She’ll make you take your clothes off and go dancin’ in the rain!/She’ll make you – uh –live –wait her—take –uh –(silence until the chorus starts)/COME ON!/UPSIDE INSIDE OUT! SHE’S LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA!”

Ricky Martin could memorize it, and he’s barely a sentient life form. There’s no excuse.

5. NO COUNTRY

This is just a personal preference, because I’ve only ever karaoked in the Northeast, but seriously, most country is lengthy, dull, and repetitive. “Friends in Low Places” is like, eight minutes long. If you absolutely must sing country music, pick something off of Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music, by Ray Charles. Speaking of that, one more addendum:

5A. DON’T PRETEND LIKE YOU’RE BLIND IF YOU’RE SINGING ANY SONG BY RAY CHARLES OR STEVIE WONDER

This should go without saying, but I’ve seen it done. Don’t be that guy, man. Don’t be that guy.